Secrets, secrets are no fun....Secrets, secrets...

....make it VERY difficult to write a blog!

A few weeks ago I got a very nice email from a fellow blogger, and subsequent friend, wondering why I hadn't posted in a couple of months.  I've been off the radar, and it was really nice to know that someone was noticing! In theory, I should now have tons of extra time to be writing my blog!--my commute has gone from one hour each way down to 15 minutes round-trip.  But I've been sitting on some delicate personal information since August, and I wasn't quite ready to blog about it.  Now--finally--I'm ready to put fingertips to keyboard and share some big news: I'm pregnant!

I'm having a baby at the end of April.  It was a complete surprise, and I've been very slowly telling people in my life and coming to terms with it myself.  When I first found out, I was completely panicked and shocked. I had just moved into my own apartment (sans sibling-roommate) in a new neighborhood, and just started a new job, with a lot of new colleagues....I felt as if my life was on a new and fresh trajectory. To say that motherhood was not in my immediate plans would be a massive understatement.  Not to mention that I was signed up for FOUR marathons and one half marathon between October and January.  Some of which, like the Goofy Challenge next month, I was/am not willing to compromise on running.

I knew I didn't want a romantic relationship with the baby's father.  We had dated briefly last summer, before he accepted a contracting job in Iraq.  He left the country and was gone for nine months, during which my romantic feelings for him faded, but his seemed to intensify. He returned to the states in July and was here for just a few weeks before his employer sent him to Texas (for an indefinite period of time.)  I knew I really "wasn't that into him" anymore when he came back.  But I also knew he had been alone in Iraq for nine months, pining away, and I felt a bit guilty.  In hindsight, I realize that sounds pretty ridiculous, but at the time, it made sense.  To his dismay, my feelings didn't magically change once I found out I was pregnant.

I seriously weighed my options for a few weeks, but somewhere deep inside me, I knew I couldn't see myself terminating the pregnancy.  I'm not against abortion legally, but for myself, I couldn't see that happening.  Also, I had spent the summer applying for jobs and interviewing all over the place--everywhere from Jacksonville, FL to Lake Placid, NY, and I ended up accepting a position a mere ten minutes from my family.    I also serendipitously rented a 2-bedroom apartment, instead of a 1-bedroom, thinking I could have an office or a spare bedroom or something.  So, when I considered my situation, I was actually in the best possible position for something like this to happen.  I mean, if I had accepted a position in Lake Placid, and was hundreds of miles away from my family, I might have been less confident with my abilities to handle the situation.

Also, even though I'm not romantically involved with the dad, I know he will be a very loving, generous and participatory father.  He wants very much to be involved, and he is extremely frustrated that he is stuck in Texas and can't be close by for doctor's appointments and pregnancy milestones.  His family lives in Maryland, and they are also very excited and eager to be involved.  So, I feel confident that this baby will have plenty of people to love and care for it, even if I will be raising it on my own.

Selfishly, the first things I thought about when I found out were the races I'd signed up for, some of which require travel, and one of which was (and is) the Goofy Challenge in Disney World.  I worried I might not be able to participate in or finish some (or any!) of my scheduled races.  (Also, being the Disney-phile that I am, I was REALLY upset that I knew I'd be in WDW and unable to ride all of those rides that said " not safe for pregnant women or people prone to seizures."--which means, most of my favorite rides will be out of the question...cry, cry.)  I immediately googled pregnant runners to find blogs and first-hand accounts of women completing full and half marathons during their pregnancies.  After reading several accounts of pregnant runners, I thought it was pretty obvious that this would be a feasible task.  But, the more I talked to people, the more people discouraged me from running long distance races, especially in my first trimester, when I was more prone to a miscarriage.

WebMD.com. Furthermore, I have found just as many medical professionals with opposite opinions. I was really disappointed with her, because, as a first-time pregnant person, I have very little idea of what's completely normal and what is abnormal/what I should worry about.

I talked to my mom, who is a nurse, but not a runner.  She had her doctor look at my bloodwork and give me some information more specific to me.  She assured me that he would understand my plight, being a runner himself, and also being the father of five girls--hence knowing how difficult and opinionated girls can be.  As it turns out, my bloodwork got a big thumbs down.  My only race in my first trimester, the Baltimore Marathon was out.  The doctor said I could do the half, but that my red blood cell count was too low to be attempting the full.  He said he worried about having enough oxygen for both me and my fetus, and was worried that I might have a heart attack.  The two words "heart attack" were enough to get me to downgrade to the half for Baltimore. (A race report is forthcoming.)

The next race on my calendar was the Richmond Marathon in Richmond, VA.  I decided to not run  that at all.  That was a bit easier decision, as I was planning on running it & traveling there by myself.  It had also been really inexpensive to enter the race, so I didn't feel like I was losing too much of my financial investment. Lastly, I signed up for Richmond specifically so I could get a PR, since it is known as a flat and very fast (and very pretty course.) It was not a "bucket list" race by any means and, if I wasn't going to be at a performance level I was happy with, the point of running the race would be completely missed.

The last two races on my agenda, before ze bebe forces me to take a brief sabbatical, were the Las Vegas Marathon, which I downgraded to a half and ran this weekend (another race report is forthcoming....spoiler: a badly organized event!) and the Goofy Challenge, taking place in under a month.  Both of those were/are races that I've been looking forward to for a long time.  I know my time won't make me proud, but I still would like to race them this year, as scheduled, and not put them off for another time. My friend Bob will be running the DisneyWorld Half with me...and closely watching me during the Full.  Bob is almost as protective of me and ze bebe as my own mom, so I know I'll have a watchful eye on me in FL.

Anyway, so now that the cat is out of the bag, blogging will be much easier.  (It's so difficult to stop writing, because now I feel like I have TOO much information to share in one post!) I was kicking myself for not having posted pre-race poetry for the past two races! (I still might have to...I can't help myself! :))

Only a few weeks...no bump yet (& even if I did, my amazing Ravens hat would distract the eye from the tummy!)

Oct. 2, 2011 - 8 wks. Clothes are too tight, so these are my "Will my boss notice?" pictures.

Mid-Nov. 2011 - 14 wks. The jig will be up soon.