I recently read (on someone's blog, I can't find or remember right now) that one big appeal of the online-social community, including the blogging world, is the ability to self-edit. Online, one is able to portray themselves however they would like: skinny, fat, man, woman, happy, sad, young, old, it's a wide open world-wide-web. I understand the appeal of this luxury because that's why I started writing my original blog. I wanted to write about my life experiences, including friends, dates, work, family, etc. without having to attach my name to it. I wanted to do it anonymously. This for me was easier said than done. I found it very difficult to tell stories or talk about situations out on context, and I found the notion of trying to anonymously tackle a topic as broad as "everyday life" was almost impossible. Who is this character, talking about her job and her dating life?? And why would I care about her? what does she have in common with me?
I know some people who do this, and they do it very well. They have an online persona that's very engaging and relate-able, without divulging any specifics about themselves; almost like having an alter-ego or writing as a fictional character. But I believe they must be better writers and communicators than me. I like using my real name and I like having a specific and more focused subject-matter (fitness/health as opposed to "my life") within which I can frame my blog posts, stories and thoughts. Yes, some of them are tangential, but that's the main topic.
The blogger who was discussing this, noted that writers could let you into their lives only where they wanted to lead you, and keep you away from parts of themselves they disliked or wanted to keep private. Regaridng that, she mentioned that [obviously] no woman in her right mind would include their weight on their blog (aside from the gain 3lbs/lost 5lbs type references.) Hmmmm....oops. I think my weight in my profile. A blogging faux pas? Maybe, but it's honest and it's real and that's what I'm trying to write about. The last time I weighed myself (Mon or Tues) I was 148 pounds. Gasp! I said it!--although I'm blaming that number on a very salty meal the night before, a particularly bad bout of PMS (or pregnancy) and the fact that I hadn't been able to go to the bathroom in three days (because of aforementioned PMS.) There's some information you probably did not need to read on my blog! ;) But there it is. It happens and it effects my weight, my mood and consequentially, my blog.
My point is that I want my blog to be real, and to be able to use it as a forum to talk about what's really happening. I don't want to discuss my personal life in too much detail, because obviously if you're reading this blog, the subject is about fitness and health and wellness and weight loss. You readers wouldn't/shouldn't venture to my small corner of the blog world to be bombarded with my job-woes, commuting complaints, and romantic follies. There are other places to find that. But, even though my mundane life is not the primary topic, real-life-stuff happens all the time that's unexpected or upsetting or bizarre and it effects my diet, exercise and weight-loss. I'm positive I'm not the only girl to whom these things occur, and I should discuss it because these events must happen to a lot of people. Events that lead a girl to swerve her car Cruella-DeVil-style into the Giant parking lot so she can pick up an emergency stash of M&M's--a 1 lb bag that will probably be half gone before she even gets to her front door.
The post that I wrote yesterday was heavily edited. It wasn't 100% honest. I wanted to write something, and I wrote that....and I'm not happy with it. I just wanted something to appear on my blog. I think the subject matter is still valid, but I need to go more in depth. Yes, I did go to happy hour with my girlfriend, and no, I was not enthused in the least about it. I was exhausted from staying up late the night before and then having to be at work early for a morning meeting with the VIPs. I missed my morning workout, and I wanted to go to the gym and do abs and spin then swing by the library, then be home and in bed early. (I did weigh in at a personally hefty 148, after all.) I only went to happy hour because I felt obligated and guilty for skipping out on Valentine's Dinner. It was nice to see my good friend and catch up, but I know I wasn't the best of companions that evening. Also, I spent calories and money I would have preferred to conserve.
I was proud that I had the middle eastern platter and not the shrimp mac and cheese, but at the same time, if I want hummus, I can buy a tub of it for $4 at the grocery store. I don't need to order it at a restaurant....esp a restaurant that serves something as perfectly delicious and heavenly as the shrimp M&C. I probably, in all honesty, would have ordered some M&C were it not that I was tense and my stomach was tied in knots.
Also, I did get an email from my boss on my blackberry. A few weeks ago, I told my boss that I'm very interested in a position we have open in my department. He has been nothing but polite about my interest--polite, but not enthusiastic. I think he already has several candidates in mind that he loves and will likely choose, and I don't think I'm in that pool. It's making me feel insecure and slightly excluded at work. I know I will have the opportunity to present my case sooner or later, but the waiting and uncertainty is making me very insecure, and this current crisis of confidence has me in a tense and edgy state of mind. More on edge than my "naturally nervous" personality is anyway.
Because of this uncertain status as my current job, I have begun, somewhat frantically applying for jobs elsewhere--anywhere in my field. I know this from previous experience, and I am being reminded now that job-hunting is difficult and discouraging. I keep filling out applications, writing and re-writing cover letters and agonizing over the correct nouns and verbs to include in my resume to make my employment history sound as impressive as possible. You send them out into the ether, waiting and hoping for a response and are greeted with silence. Silence is often worse than outright rejection. At least then, you have an answer--a definite yes or no, and you can move forward form there. Silence is agonizing. I don't even know if anyone's read it, or saw it, or who did, or when they might look at it....
To top things off, on the way home, I instigated a discussion with this boy I have been talking to a lot recently and it didn't end well. Discussion is a poor term though, since it was more me expressing myself and not getting any response. Again silence. I've been mentally preparing a conversation with him, in which I tell him how much I care for him and bravely say that I need to know how he feels about me, because I don't want to continue in this casual way anymore. I haven't had the courage (or any uninterrupted time) to hold this conversation in person, but I've had the talking points composed in my head for a long long time. Last night he said something that implied he didn't feel the same way. That implied everything I'd been afraid and insecure about for these past few months, everything that's held me back from saying what I have really wanted to say. I was up late and edgy not only because of the job and my boss, but also because I was finally committing my thoughts and feelings to paper (keyboard) regarding this guy. I wrote everything down that I felt, put it in an email and hit send, come what may. Edgy and sleep deprived is an understatement. Weeping in the candy aisle of the grocery store would be more accurate representation, but again my hormones are having quite the flight of fancy this month.
The most frustrating thing about all of these occurrences is, I realize, the exact same in all situations: No response. No conversation. Nothing concrete. I am waiting for my boss to tell me one way or another about the job--all the while he's having whispered conversations in the next office over, and gleefully interviewing his top candidates on the phone. My resumes to other positions all go out, get submitted, and
sit....never even read, for all I know. My sparkling, charming witty cover letters never glanced over. And, most depressingly, the boy I emailed hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since. I don't know if he's even read what I sent or anything about what he thinks. Though I hate to think it, in a way, no response is a response sometimes. Apathy. Someone has to care to draft a reply. Even care enough to say "No." But it's just silence...
That's the main reason I was so sleep deprived. That's the main reason I felt so emotional I wanted to shove M&Ms in my mouth until my teeth rotted. That's what I should have written about in my last blog post, but wasn't brave enough to write. Maybe it's too much information. Maybe that shouldn't be included here. It certainly doesn't have much to do with running or anything fun that I'd rather talk about. But sometimes life sucks...in a caloric, sugar-laden, mascara dripping, hormonal kind of way. and it affects your fitness and diet goals. It affects everything. If life was a calm placid sea of happiness with perfect schedules, ideal jobs, peaceful roommates, no hangovers, understanding boyfriends, perfect weather and convenient gyms, weight loss wouldn't be half as hard as it is. That's why it IS super-hard. That's why people read blogs, to help commiserate or to get advice. That why I'm adding this follow-up to my post yesterday.
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